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Title: Ashamed.
Category: other
Blog Entry: I just don’t know why but it seems, certain music/pictures/movies trigger certain parts of my memory and just break me down. Like a certain song I listened to just reminded me of someone I lost long ago. I wish it’d go away but then again I don’t. I don’t want to lose the memory of the person just the awful memory of them fading away. Hmm..maybe this’ll be a better way of taking out the emotions that build up in me, rather than flipping out on someone close to me. It’s happened before and I hate it, just because I don’t realise what I’m doing at that moment in time. That person is just there and they’re pretty much defenseless and makes me feel like an ass later on. Hmm...what to do. Apparantly from the school counselor/psychologist people I have the smarts to be one of the top in my class, I just need to learn to apply myself to my school work. I want to do better, I just don’t know it sometimes until I’m totally screwed. I don’t want to be working at some ??? job for the rest of my life. I honestly know I can do better. I just need that certain push or that one person to show me that I can do it. That I’m worth something. I can’t even trust my own parents with my life. The only people I can honestly trust are my Grandmother and Chelsey. I trust them two with my life.. You know what sucks, growing up without a father figure. You just miss that part of your life. The guy who you call dad and takes you outside to play catch. Well yes I never got that. Instead I was stuck at home, usually taking apart things seeing how they work. I still wish I’d of gotten to see that part of life it would of been great. I almost hate my father most of the time for leaving us at such a young age. I ignore my step-father just because I don’t see the need for him in my life. I don’t see the need for many people yet I still deal with them. The only reason I even go to my fathers house is to see my step-brother Race because he’s almost ignored in a family of all girls...I really don’t even know what else to let out. I wish I would of listened to my older brother Kiel at such a younger age instead of ignoring him or flipping out when he’s giving me advice. I know everytime he’s said something meaningful to me I’ve pretty much shunned him out. He was right, and sometimes I feel as if I owe everything to him. I look up to him he’s not the greatest Role Model but he’s my brother. He has it good with his sports. His grades were always good. He’s also tried to help me with mine as well. I feel like I’ve ignored everything anyones ever said to me and it’s came back and bit me hard . Well I don’t know what else to talk about as I’m drowning in tears right now. ~I love you.